Depression · Personal · Prose · Relationships · Self-harm · Suicide · Writing

Christmas Eve Nightmare

This time of the year brings back a plethora of traumatic memories. Pretty much every holiday is surrounded by some trauma but it’s worse because it’s also my birthday and the day after my birthday was our anniversary.

Two years ago tonight the narcissist and I had a huge fight. I was sitting at the kitchen table. He of course, had been drinking all day when he started to run his mouth. I believe I brought up going to work the next day (Christmas Day) when he decided to lay into me.


“Of course you’re working tomorrow. You always work Christmas. You never think of me.”


“I asked you two months ago If we were going to do something. You said no and so I signed up to work.”


“We shouldn’t have to do something special to spend Christmas together.”


“What are we going to do? What we do everyday? You will get drunk and I will watch and have to listen to you all day. Why shouldn’t I work?”


“You haven’t paid any attention to me all week. You spent the whole weekend with your family. This is our first day alone in a week.”


“I spent the week with my family because it was my birthday and we were celebrating Christmas early.”

(I hadn’t celebrated my birthday with my mom and sisters on my actual birthday in 8 years so it was pretty important and special to be with them).


I continued, “My entire life revolves around you. Everyday. Everything I do is in some way connected to you and for two days it wasn’t. Is that really all I get?”


He says,”Yes. You get your birthday, but your birthday is only ONE day, not a whole weekend.”


“So I get one day of the year and the rest are yours?”


“Yep.”


Four days later he told me he was going on a romantic trip with another woman to a cabin at a lake. This woman was “just a friend.” Even though I wasn’t allowed to go.


I spent New Year’s Eve cutting into my body with a razor blade and in the morning I attempted to hang myself.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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