It was December 18, the day before my 20th birthday. It was lunch in the office and I had gone to Town n Country for a sandwich. He sat down across the table from me, with a sort of sad look on his face. He did not have any food in front of him so I asked “Are you on lunch?” He said yes. I asked if he had any food. He said no. So I offered him the other half of my sandwich and turned my bag of chips to face him. He turned it down at first but I insisted and he took the other half and thanked me.
Two days later and we are at the company Christmas party. He walks in, dressed to the nines. Black slacks and a green wool army jacket. My heart fluttered in my chest and stomach. I fell for him right then. He walked up to our table and someone asked if he came alone. He had. I patted the bench seat next to me and said “You can sit with us.” He sat down.
We spent the evening taking shots of jager under the table and stole appetizers that the company had to pay for. I did not know in that moment that I would spend the next 7 years sharing food and watching him bring flasks to drink under the table everywhere we went. I did not know that I would fall in love and back into pieces over and over again.
I loved him always from that day and into tomorrow. But l have come to find that love is not enough; and if it had been, we would not be on our separate ways.
It has been two years now since I left your side I miss your warmth and smile. I miss our memories and the ideas of what could have been.
You still call for me and I wish I could answer. I wish you were not terrible. I wish all that bad could be erased and all that was left was us. But I realize that the wounds run too deep and can not be unseen. The scars shine through my skin. You told me I always had your love but I was still left starving for your loyalty and honesty. I can not kill myself any more for you. I have died and risen too many times to travel in reverse.