It was New Year’s day and I sat curled up in the oversized arm chair thinking, “I deserve so much better than this.”
That’s when I knew it was the end. That it was over and there was no going back.
Reasoning these actions:
That I should not have to be up all night rocking back and forth. Wondering where you are and who you are doing. Fearing the possibilities of what the next horrible thing you will do, without a care or second thought for me. Driving myself insane trying to decipher truth from your lies….deciding it would be better to die than to live through another day with your sickness.
This is the point I got to. I looked at the hole you punched in the wall. The mess of your clothes on the closet floor. Empty bottles all around our big and lonely apartment. Where did I go wrong?
A million answers and I can not find the only belt I own. I know the guns are no longer at home.
Swollen eyes. Gashes on my legs. I am shaking on the floor again and looking for a way. I watched my world crumbling around me as a natural disaster. Too incredible and unbelievable to look away. I could not conceive how you left me in such a state.
You are every broken piece in me.
And I decided a while back that was never going to change. You still rattle about inside of me but I keep you in a cage. You are the moster I run from. The beast I try to hide.