Melancholy · Pondering · Prose · Writing

Thoughts…

*

*

*
Lately I’ve been feeling really down and I have been trying to figure out why. What I have realized is that no matter how hard I try I am not fucking normal. And it’s really hard for me to live in the world and do things the way I am supposed to do. The 9-5 thing isn’t really for me and I never last long when I try to make it so. I don’t know if I will ever be able to function in that sort of life.  I don’t really party and I don’t have kids and it seems like I am supposed to fit on either end of that spectrum. But I don’t. I don’t go to church and I really don’t want to. I’m not running marathons or hiking every weekend. Wtf is there for a misfit like me? Sometimes I feel really lonely and I consider having a relationship again but I go back to one of the above categories. It’s about kids or church or alcohol or athletics. Is there anyone out that that will love me when I don’t want any of those things? I’m starting to think that in Utah there isn’t.  I’ve got to be into one of those 4 things to be attractive to someone local. Perhaps I need to leave. I really don’t know…. I am into thinking. Philosophy and science. Meeting and helping people. Looking at the stars in the middle of the night and thinking about how we all came from space. Imagining other worlds and playing fantasy scenarios. I like making up an ideal world even though I know it will never exist. I want to see the world and serve on medical missions. I want to build my own self sustaining home and fill it with art and have cats and dogs and llamas and chickens for fresh eggs. I want someone to do these things with but I do not think there is anyone for me. So maybe I will build my own home and explore the world by myself. And love animals and people and give when and where I can. I just know I need and want so much more than this everyday existence. My life is more than clocking in and out. I do not and refuse to ever fit this role. 

Advertisements