Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar  

Creative Writing · Dreams · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Writing

Dreamy Memories

There are a million things I wish I could say to you and countless memories I would put to word.

But how does one begin to  describe the images etched into my mind?


The spirit recalls childhood moments, but it is fuzzy and my sister and I are in my grandparents basement.

The smell of the couches and sleeping in oversized t-shirts on the fold out couch in the spare bedroom.


I remember my grandparents on either side of the bed. We read the life of  bears and Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. I remember that big white book. Rumplestiltskin and the ugly duckling.


I remember cold cereal in the mornings and the smell of coffee brewing. I remember chilly Halloweens and looking forward to hot homemade apple cider with real cinnamon sticks. I remember laughing and painting and sitting in the bleachers on Saturdays… watching you coach basketball games.


How lucky I am to have these inside me, sewn into my heart.

How sad it is that no one else will ever know.


I wish. I wish….

Creative Writing · Dark · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Relationships · Sadness · Writing

I am hurting right now. I wish I could fix you. I wish I could mend us.

*

*

You have no fucking clue

No idea of how much this hurts me

How much I want to hear your voice again

And hold your hand

The thought of your broken heart rips me

I am shredded to my core

Because of you

I want to tell you.

“Come to me. I will hold you.

I will take your pain for a moment.

I will lighten your burden.”

But I know, that you can not make that

That you can not have just a little

You are always too much

And I am always wanting it

Even when I know I should not

I wish I could take away your sickness

I wish I could make a new beginning

Or a beautiful ending

One that does not stop with your darkness

I pray to Gods and all that is Holy

For you to be healed

Please know I am waiting

I am believing

But I also know

I can not walk beside you

Dark · Dreams · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Sadness · Writing

I think you left today and I still want to save you. 

In that big house mixed with rooms we used to sleep in. Used to be together in.

You have a brother and I can’t remember where he came from.

On the old box tv with knobs and fuzzy faces.

Billie Jean plays on…

On that futon I lay across you.

I look you in the face and tell you I love you.

I know your mind is floating elsewhere.

Your brother joins and kisses me. His hands down my pants.

Still you do not notice.

Still you do not care.


The house is filled with cheap kids, punk rockers, old drunks.

The usuals.

They say they need me to get them liquor.

You say you want to come.

But the house turns dry and the heroin fades.


You say I am off the hook and to go away.

I place a glass lamp on your head and pour the water in.

I see you drowning.

I see you gasping.

Please don’t.


I keep turning over the globe but the liquid consumes your face.

I yell I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

I love you.

Please don’t die.

I try to smash this glass prison.

I smash it over and over on the cement.

They say the man isnt real.

But my best friend is on my left.


I scream until I am gasping and I wake inside my bed.

I long always to save you, into the reaches of my head. 

Broken Up · Creative Writing · Free Write · I Miss You · Personal · Poetry · Reflection · Relationships · Writing

I Wish…

I wish you knew how much

I would like to speak with you.

I wish that I could say this

I wish you had not left me.

I wish none of it was true.


I hoped always for our future.

That you would find a way.

But you dragged me through your madness.

Yes you took me to out to play.


I want nothing more than to love you and

I would have seared this world.

Instead I burned on the cross.

I sat displayed for the crowd.


A mocking.

A joke.

Just like you always say,

I wished I was a treasure, like the broken records you would play.


I wished that you were only mine and 

that is the one piece that was never true.

I wished the mountains would rip apart 

to bring me back to you.


I wished on wishes and the stars

and blowing blossoms in the wind.

I wished for God to prove me wrong 

and for saving grace to win.


I hoped as lovers hope to make a life,

Find a path out of our sin.

If I could leave and never return

My wish would be to win.