Creative Writing · Dark · Death · Depression · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Relationships · Sadness · TW:Suicide · Writing

Aches and Pains

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A part of me longs to be with you

Blowing off the side of the bridge into the wind

Our bodies wrapping around and through one another

Our souls intertwined for eternity

Nothing between us

No one to separate our love

I yearn for the little boy you were

And the man I fell in love with

I ache for my best friend

To be hand in hand with you again

I wasn’t there to see you go

But I know you are waiting for me

With each breathe

I feel you entering my lungs

Pumping my blood

Your life and your death have fueled me

And the fire burns deep within

The flames and the heat

Ignite the night

I sleep through the daylight

Waiting to meet you once more

Like we have done

In so many lifetimes before

Death · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Self-harm · TW:Suicide · Writing

The Last Day 

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After I saw your body, I shook her hand and said, “I am sorry for your loss.” it was the first time that she had looked me in the eyes since we sat in that room together, speaking of urns and how your body could be legally burned.


I feared this day since the moment we met. I could feel that demon circling around you. A dark cloud over a soft heart, so broken.


I used to have nightmares of your death, as you slept next to me. I checked if you were still breathing. I looked for vomit near your mouth. I would stay awake all night holding you. To make sure you were alright.


My entire soul wanted to save you.  I remember  you begging me not to give up on you and I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I stuck by your side until I tried to hang myself 4 years later. I never told you that. I never let you know the things you did pushed me that far, but you saw the cuts on my leg and I think you knew. I think you knew what you did.


You walked away from me and to another woman. I thought “what can she do, that I couldn’t?”I thought you were running away to a better life and leaving me in the dark but I watched from afar as you got sicker. 


Turns out no person could save you.


The last time I saw you alive, you said “I made a mistake,” as tears rolled down both of our faces. I tucked you into your bed, put the covers nice and tight. Made sure you had water. I looked down on your face and kissed your forehead.  I prayed for you to get better. I looked to the sky for strength. I pleaded with the stars to keep you here because I knew I did not have that power; no one did and I could finally see that clearly.


I sat by you longer than I should have and more than anyone else. I loved your chaos, I loved your sweetness that you hid behind sarcasm and a ‘’don’t give a fuck attitude.” You were my dream. Forever haunting me.



I whispered in your ear, blood dried inside, “I love you. I always loved you. I am sorry. It’s okay now and I am not mad. I know you were suffering. Now you are not in pain.” I stroked the stubble on your face. Your skin still felt familiar even when cold and discolored. I have so many memories of those eyes looking down at me. Our lips meeting in the middle. I touched your chest one last time and said goodbye.


Death · Depression · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · TW:Suicide

Letter to Myself

Me,

You can’t love someone enough.

You can’t love someone into sobriety.

You can’t love someone out of their pain.

And you certainly can not love someone out of killing themselves.

If it were possible this world would be a very different place.

The world would be filled joyous mothers as opposed to grieving ones and the rest of us would have our loved one by our side.

There is not enough love to save someone, you have got to remember that.

You can not martyr yourself attempting to save someone else, although you tried.

You didn’t make it out unscathed.

You branded this person on your heart.

Your soul will never be the same. 

Creative Writing · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Pondering · Writing

Free Write

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I considered calling you

I thought about all of the things you could say to me

To make me feel guilty enough

Into loving you again


I sat on a couch with another

All of the windows peering

Between him and I

Arms folded

I wanted to reach for your hand

But thought better of it

Remembered what you said about affection


I miss how you would hold my face

And smile so sweet and slyly

I recalled that feeling

Outloud and along the thorns

I bleed for you


Everyday

I look for the passion that rolls inside

Those substance induced

Moments

Of you fucking me over and over again

Until tears ran down my thighs

The wetness of your cheeks

A handful of hair


I can not seem to find this in anyone

Drunk strangers with their hands all over

They touch the small of my back

And I get glimpses

Of all the terrible things they would do to me

Like you


Flags waving through the icy crystals around the temple

Lights glitter among the horizon

I don’t know what they want

Or why you still call for me

Why the rains

Keep on pouring


I turn off my phone

I go on running

Broken Up · Creative Writing · Depression · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Sadness · Writing

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I am still in love with you.

Most days.

Even when I hate you and I know we are no good for each other.

I go only short amounts of time before you pass through my thoughts again.

My heart breaks every time I read your words.

I want to write back.

I would send you a thousand lines of the love I have for you… but I know your time is fleeting.

And I spend countless days in recovery.

I want to see you and hold your hand.

I want to walk in the rain and shoot shotguns at the night sky wearing nothing but the bad attitude that clings to people like me and you.

But I know I can not have my heart broken again and I can’t help but think you may be my broken heart.

I have you always.

Pulsating in the cavern of my chest.

I have felt you a thousand years and back.

Do you feel me too?

I have always wondered.

Am I a play thing, a fantasy, a destiny?

I cry out at night.

I wake up and you are still not beside me.

My heart lingers of that place where maybe you once love me.

I walk away from you, a trail of crumbs to my heart.

Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar  

Creative Writing · Dreams · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Writing

Dreamy Memories

There are a million things I wish I could say to you and countless memories I would put to word.

But how does one begin to  describe the images etched into my mind?


The spirit recalls childhood moments, but it is fuzzy and my sister and I are in my grandparents basement.

The smell of the couches and sleeping in oversized t-shirts on the fold out couch in the spare bedroom.


I remember my grandparents on either side of the bed. We read the life of  bears and Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. I remember that big white book. Rumplestiltskin and the ugly duckling.


I remember cold cereal in the mornings and the smell of coffee brewing. I remember chilly Halloweens and looking forward to hot homemade apple cider with real cinnamon sticks. I remember laughing and painting and sitting in the bleachers on Saturdays… watching you coach basketball games.


How lucky I am to have these inside me, sewn into my heart.

How sad it is that no one else will ever know.


I wish. I wish….