Creative Writing · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Reflection · Relationships · Writing

Two Years

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I could talk about how on this day two years ago you broke me. How a piece of me was cut out, burned and brushed away.


I could recollect on leaning on that raw wooden post, a cigarette in hand but I won’t.


I will not talk about how you left me at my most vulnerable moment. Or how I yearned for any morsel of your affection to be told, “I never loved you.”


Seven years and a thousand lifetimes passed as you lived with the one you did not love.


Still, we will not remember such things.


Even on tonight when I sung along to the music that defined us, you and I. How we ran on punk rock, drunken nights, and playing lovebirds in the desert. The music and the wind runs through it.


This dead salty memory.


No, today I will recall how these things did not and could not defeat me.


How the darkness of one defining moment could not stop the sun’s rising.


Two years and I run from you like the horse in that field. The grass below my feet and the future a bold blue sky.


And even on tonight when I vow not to speak of you, I can not help but miss your presence. In the dark desert sands the music plays on.


Without you. 

Free Write · Personal · Sleepy · Writing

I saw your face and I cant help but cry

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All I want is for you to be okay, to be better.

To be anything other than broken.

But I know I can not fix you.

I can not try to put you back together while I am falling into pieces.


Please understand I want to, oh how desperately I want to hold you and listen to music and feed you.

I want to laugh.

I want to love you….but I just can’t.


If you could understand the restraint it takes for me.

To go one day then one more..

They don’t have AA for person addicts.


And I wonder how much more you could possibly break me. Surely there is another piece you could take from everything I have worked so hard to build.


I loved you and you told me you were not in love with me.

You left me for another woman and now you want me again.


What happens when you change your mind…again?

My heart is not a pair of socks or a hairstyle. You can’t just throw me out or clip me away when you feel the need. It’s not fucking fair. Or right.


It’s not about hating you, I could never do that.

It’s not about hurting you or seeking revenge.

It’s about loving myself, something I neglected to do and can not seem to manage to do in your presence. 

Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar  

Creative Writing · Free Write · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Relationships · Writing

Nothing Will Ever Change

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I do believe a part of me will always love you. It is something I did not want to admit and at times I wish this was not true.


I loved you into the depths of the darkest moments, into sickness and hell and then back again.


One can not pretend that the burns and scars i picked up along the way never existed. I see remnants of them when I look in the mirror and when I open the door into the sunlight.


It was in the early mornings that I found you.

And on late nights you left me.

Searching in circles, and I can not find the key.


I walked you drunk and stumbling into your bed again. In a foreign house. In an empty room you had to survive.


I kissed you goodbye and I meant it. 

Creative Writing · Dark · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Relationships · Sadness · Writing

I am hurting right now. I wish I could fix you. I wish I could mend us.

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You have no fucking clue

No idea of how much this hurts me

How much I want to hear your voice again

And hold your hand

The thought of your broken heart rips me

I am shredded to my core

Because of you

I want to tell you.

“Come to me. I will hold you.

I will take your pain for a moment.

I will lighten your burden.”

But I know, that you can not make that

That you can not have just a little

You are always too much

And I am always wanting it

Even when I know I should not

I wish I could take away your sickness

I wish I could make a new beginning

Or a beautiful ending

One that does not stop with your darkness

I pray to Gods and all that is Holy

For you to be healed

Please know I am waiting

I am believing

But I also know

I can not walk beside you

Creative Writing · Depression · Free Write · Letter · Melancholy · Personal · Pondering · Prose · Reflection · Writing

Lost in the Supermarket

I visit often, mostly just to see you. Sometimes I feel we have a connection. Other times I am unsure if it’s just politeness. I have been hurt a million times and my heart is fragile. Mostly I am okay. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I feel okay on my own. But it’s been two years for me and I miss having a man’s arms around me and feeling enclosed, inside of another. I miss having someone to look forward to. Someone to share life with. Laugh with.

I see you and think, you could be that person. I am not often attracted to others but I feel strangely drawn to you. When we speak, I want to keep talking. To ask you questions about life and death and the universe.  Find out why you love Deftones so much and how I lost my virginity to White Pony. I think if you cared, if you were interested, you would have inquired by now. I have presented ample opportunity for it.


So here I sit writing to no one, or possibly the entire world. I think there is not one for me but that hopeful piece asks, maybe? Still do I wonder at your mysterious aura. I think about you as I walk away to my car again. I like to imagine you looking back or at least wanting to, and maybe even you wonder of me too…


More likely we will continue to pass each other in this market. Red shirt and a basket in my hand. I will smile and you will smile but go on in our own ways.


“I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality”

—-name that band