Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar  

Creative Writing · Free Write · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Relationships · Writing

Nothing Will Ever Change

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I do believe a part of me will always love you. It is something I did not want to admit and at times I wish this was not true.


I loved you into the depths of the darkest moments, into sickness and hell and then back again.


One can not pretend that the burns and scars i picked up along the way never existed. I see remnants of them when I look in the mirror and when I open the door into the sunlight.


It was in the early mornings that I found you.

And on late nights you left me.

Searching in circles, and I can not find the key.


I walked you drunk and stumbling into your bed again. In a foreign house. In an empty room you had to survive.


I kissed you goodbye and I meant it. 

Creative Writing · Dark · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Relationships · Sadness · Writing

I am hurting right now. I wish I could fix you. I wish I could mend us.

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You have no fucking clue

No idea of how much this hurts me

How much I want to hear your voice again

And hold your hand

The thought of your broken heart rips me

I am shredded to my core

Because of you

I want to tell you.

“Come to me. I will hold you.

I will take your pain for a moment.

I will lighten your burden.”

But I know, that you can not make that

That you can not have just a little

You are always too much

And I am always wanting it

Even when I know I should not

I wish I could take away your sickness

I wish I could make a new beginning

Or a beautiful ending

One that does not stop with your darkness

I pray to Gods and all that is Holy

For you to be healed

Please know I am waiting

I am believing

But I also know

I can not walk beside you

Creative Writing · Depression · Free Write · Letter · Melancholy · Personal · Pondering · Prose · Reflection · Writing

Lost in the Supermarket

I visit often, mostly just to see you. Sometimes I feel we have a connection. Other times I am unsure if it’s just politeness. I have been hurt a million times and my heart is fragile. Mostly I am okay. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I feel okay on my own. But it’s been two years for me and I miss having a man’s arms around me and feeling enclosed, inside of another. I miss having someone to look forward to. Someone to share life with. Laugh with.

I see you and think, you could be that person. I am not often attracted to others but I feel strangely drawn to you. When we speak, I want to keep talking. To ask you questions about life and death and the universe.  Find out why you love Deftones so much and how I lost my virginity to White Pony. I think if you cared, if you were interested, you would have inquired by now. I have presented ample opportunity for it.


So here I sit writing to no one, or possibly the entire world. I think there is not one for me but that hopeful piece asks, maybe? Still do I wonder at your mysterious aura. I think about you as I walk away to my car again. I like to imagine you looking back or at least wanting to, and maybe even you wonder of me too…


More likely we will continue to pass each other in this market. Red shirt and a basket in my hand. I will smile and you will smile but go on in our own ways.


“I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality”

—-name that band

Creative Writing · Dreams · Free Write · Personal · Poetry · Writing

I am dreaming of you and I am not sure you even know my name…

I met you in my sleep again

Always in grocery stores

I invited you to my short bus

A drunken fortitude

I wondered what you wanted

What you expected

I tried to find you in the right way

I wanted to touch you and

Forget my pain for a moment

But then you were gone

And I was driving ambulances

Without codes

To try to find you

I hide behind purses

And vomiting strangers

Door one I will lose my memory

And the other one is not fun

I tried to run

To get back to you

But shooting blades are blocking

A cage to keep me out

Personal · Prose · Reflection · Writing

Convocation

This last semester in our capstone course for the Health, Society and Policy major we were given the topic of “family” for the concentration of the course. I thought to myself, “ Family? Are we studying health? Can we really fill an entire semester talking about family?” I was slightly confused and irritated thinking I wanted a topic related to saving the world; something like environmental change, disease control or health care reform. I soon became aware of how ignorant that thinking was and I spent the rest of the semester not only humbled but with greater insight to my own family and health. I now say with confidence that family is one of the most important aspects of health.

If college has done anything for me, it has been the continuous realization of how much I do not know.

Perhaps the most significant revelation I had during this semester after all of the discussions and lectures was that I am not alone. I do not exist exclusively or without consequence. You also are not alone.

We are interconnected. We are not only an individual. We are family. We are our community. We are in this country together and we are all citizens of earth.

There has recently been much divide in this country and in this world. People are broken over political discord and it is easy to become discouraged when we look at the troubles of the world.

As new graduates I challenge you, as well as myself to not become so tangled in the big issues that we forget who we are and where we have come from. I know I am not alone in having aspirations to make positive changes in our world but it may be that we must start small. We start with ourselves and then our family, friends and neighbors. In the long run we may never make changes on a global scale. We may not be recognized by name or face or have prize winning achievements. But like a stone being thrown into the water, our actions will create ripples and reach others in ways we could not have predicted. As we adventure into the future and step into our chosen fields let us remember to keep throwing stones.

Now lets go make some ripples.