Death · Depression · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · TW:Suicide

Letter to Myself

Me,

You can’t love someone enough.

You can’t love someone into sobriety.

You can’t love someone out of their pain.

And you certainly can not love someone out of killing themselves.

If it were possible this world would be a very different place.

The world would be filled joyous mothers as opposed to grieving ones and the rest of us would have our loved one by our side.

There is not enough love to save someone, you have got to remember that.

You can not martyr yourself attempting to save someone else, although you tried.

You didn’t make it out unscathed.

You branded this person on your heart.

Your soul will never be the same. 

Creative Writing · Depression · Free Write · I Miss You · Melancholy · Poetry · Pondering · Writing

Free Write

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I considered calling you

I thought about all of the things you could say to me

To make me feel guilty enough

Into loving you again


I sat on a couch with another

All of the windows peering

Between him and I

Arms folded

I wanted to reach for your hand

But thought better of it

Remembered what you said about affection


I miss how you would hold my face

And smile so sweet and slyly

I recalled that feeling

Outloud and along the thorns

I bleed for you


Everyday

I look for the passion that rolls inside

Those substance induced

Moments

Of you fucking me over and over again

Until tears ran down my thighs

The wetness of your cheeks

A handful of hair


I can not seem to find this in anyone

Drunk strangers with their hands all over

They touch the small of my back

And I get glimpses

Of all the terrible things they would do to me

Like you


Flags waving through the icy crystals around the temple

Lights glitter among the horizon

I don’t know what they want

Or why you still call for me

Why the rains

Keep on pouring


I turn off my phone

I go on running

Creative Writing · Depression · Free Write · Poetry · Pondering · Writing

What am I?

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What am I?

A mass of memories

Firing between cells

Billions of rows of suffering

And multiplying by the wayside


What am I?

A cold person

Walking through the hallway

Down the street

Another face to pass 


What am I?

They called me a woman

Still I took off my shirt

They said the streets are for men

And that I would get hurt


What am I?

A soul wandering

Never satisfied

There is no home for those

That can not find comfort


And I know you will run from me…


What am I?

They asked

A five year plan

Or a family

These are the things you will be remembered by


Not by the quiet firefly

Or by the blades of grass you felt between your toes

Not the wind in your face

On the playground

Or in the field on your own


The sun will be the only one to remember your face

The billions of passerbys

Just stopping to say hello

Melancholy · Pondering · Prose · Writing

Thoughts…

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Lately I’ve been feeling really down and I have been trying to figure out why. What I have realized is that no matter how hard I try I am not fucking normal. And it’s really hard for me to live in the world and do things the way I am supposed to do. The 9-5 thing isn’t really for me and I never last long when I try to make it so. I don’t know if I will ever be able to function in that sort of life.  I don’t really party and I don’t have kids and it seems like I am supposed to fit on either end of that spectrum. But I don’t. I don’t go to church and I really don’t want to. I’m not running marathons or hiking every weekend. Wtf is there for a misfit like me? Sometimes I feel really lonely and I consider having a relationship again but I go back to one of the above categories. It’s about kids or church or alcohol or athletics. Is there anyone out that that will love me when I don’t want any of those things? I’m starting to think that in Utah there isn’t.  I’ve got to be into one of those 4 things to be attractive to someone local. Perhaps I need to leave. I really don’t know…. I am into thinking. Philosophy and science. Meeting and helping people. Looking at the stars in the middle of the night and thinking about how we all came from space. Imagining other worlds and playing fantasy scenarios. I like making up an ideal world even though I know it will never exist. I want to see the world and serve on medical missions. I want to build my own self sustaining home and fill it with art and have cats and dogs and llamas and chickens for fresh eggs. I want someone to do these things with but I do not think there is anyone for me. So maybe I will build my own home and explore the world by myself. And love animals and people and give when and where I can. I just know I need and want so much more than this everyday existence. My life is more than clocking in and out. I do not and refuse to ever fit this role. 

Free Write · Poetry · Pondering · Sleepy · Writing

When you forgot about what you started last night…

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Sometimes I drive through the city at night.

There is no reason or purpose.

The smell of night and I listen in silence.

There is a sadness.

A melancholy.

The kind of moment made of whispers that no one else will hear.

I roll down the street.

The city lights in the distance and all I can think of is you.

You.

And the earth turns gently and with reason even though you are not beside me.

I remember your words. Begging for me.

Please please please you tell me.

You say it like I owe you.

Like I am the one who left.

Flashes of half felt and unmet images pass within me.

I see a funeral.

I see a laugh and a boy I fell in love with.

I see the man I begged to come.

All these things that you will never know and did not care to remember.

In the house on the hill, the home in the hole, the rooms built of stone I found you.

Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar  

Creative Writing · Free Write · Melancholy · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Writing

Free Write: Exhausted Reflections

I am sorry for being a terrible person. I am sensitive and it is hard for me to exist in this world.

I have a hard time going to work and committing to work and school and jobs.

I hate that part of me. I hate that people can’t trust me.

I am an honest person, I am just tired and out of place.

This feeling persists.

Sometimes it’s easier to stay in bed and not move for hours?

I wish I could explain this…spell it out eloquently and in serenity.

You were beautiful but created  dust.