Free Write · Personal · Sleepy · Writing

I saw your face and I cant help but cry

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All I want is for you to be okay, to be better.

To be anything other than broken.

But I know I can not fix you.

I can not try to put you back together while I am falling into pieces.


Please understand I want to, oh how desperately I want to hold you and listen to music and feed you.

I want to laugh.

I want to love you….but I just can’t.


If you could understand the restraint it takes for me.

To go one day then one more..

They don’t have AA for person addicts.


And I wonder how much more you could possibly break me. Surely there is another piece you could take from everything I have worked so hard to build.


I loved you and you told me you were not in love with me.

You left me for another woman and now you want me again.


What happens when you change your mind…again?

My heart is not a pair of socks or a hairstyle. You can’t just throw me out or clip me away when you feel the need. It’s not fucking fair. Or right.


It’s not about hating you, I could never do that.

It’s not about hurting you or seeking revenge.

It’s about loving myself, something I neglected to do and can not seem to manage to do in your presence. 

Free Write · Prose · Sleepy · Writing

What I wrote while half asleep today

I don’t trust people.

I don’t trust anyone fully. Even myself.

In the last week I have been gossiped about and accused of things I did not do. Then told in another breathe how great I am.

Why should I care what anyone thinks anyway?

None of these people really know me.

They  ask for my honesty but run any time I become vulnerable and let a piece of my real feelings show.

You Should be fucking afraid.

You should fear me.

I am anything but ordinary. I feel with my entire soul. I love with all that I am but most never see that.

They see the turned off and muted version of me. Very Few could actually handle any of this. So i let the brave ones in. They Are reckless and suicidal and pull me further down the hole but perhaps that is better than being alone.

Free Write · Poetry · Pondering · Sleepy · Writing

When you forgot about what you started last night…

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Sometimes I drive through the city at night.

There is no reason or purpose.

The smell of night and I listen in silence.

There is a sadness.

A melancholy.

The kind of moment made of whispers that no one else will hear.

I roll down the street.

The city lights in the distance and all I can think of is you.

You.

And the earth turns gently and with reason even though you are not beside me.

I remember your words. Begging for me.

Please please please you tell me.

You say it like I owe you.

Like I am the one who left.

Flashes of half felt and unmet images pass within me.

I see a funeral.

I see a laugh and a boy I fell in love with.

I see the man I begged to come.

All these things that you will never know and did not care to remember.

In the house on the hill, the home in the hole, the rooms built of stone I found you.

Creative Writing · Free Write · Healing · I Miss You · Melancholy · Personal · Poetry · Pondering · Reflection · Relationships · Sleepy · Writing

I Always Will

I loved you more than any other chosen person in my life.

I still do.

I still miss so many pieces of you.


Sometimes I hear or see something that only you would get.

And I hear your voice echoing in my mind.

I hear your laugh next to me.

It is almost like you are here again.

And all the terrible things you did never happened.

Other times I feel lonely because I know there are

Aspects of this life, of this world that only you and I could ever remember and find special.

There are so many generic things in this world.

Repeats and reproductions.

But you are not one of them, not even close.


You are more special and beautiful to me than words can ever describe.

Trust me, I have tried over and over again for close to a decade.


My only wish after all this time, is that you could somehow see what I could.

Oh how I tred for all these years to give you what will take a lifetime to discover.

I wanted it now and that was selfish of me.

I know that.

But still, I miss you.


I wish everyday that we could have been, should have been…but I am slowly letting that go because I have to for my own sanity.


Please know that when I sit alone at night, wrapped in a blanket or looking up at the stars on a warm summer night that I remember you.


Not the ugly.

Not the lies.

Not the addictions.


I remember the soul I fell in love with.

That person exists.

The goodness you fear and the struggles you tried to hide.

I remember your excitement and your eyes and your pain.

I remember that I loved you purely.


Everyday since the beginning of time and into our next lives, a piece of me will always be waiting for you.

I will love you always, even when I know I must do it from afar